


Regret

by SuperEllen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Death, M/M, Sad Ending, Season 8 Episode 19, mentions of Destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:55:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23319481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperEllen/pseuds/SuperEllen
Summary: After sending Benny back to Purgatory, Dean drives like crazy to wait for Sam's return. And that's when he thinks about Benny
Relationships: Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so please let me know if there are any mistakes.
> 
> This story is based on the prompt "Hope gives way to despair". Non a cheerful topic, so be prepared!

Dean was driving like crazy, as if a killer ghost truck was chasing him. Not that it hadn't happened to him before, but that wasn't the case anyway. In that moment, he just was in a rush. He needed to get to Maine as soon as possible, because soon Sammy was going to appear there. His little brother was currently trying to rescue Bobby's soul from Hell, and his only way out of that place was through Purgatory. But in order to find his way out of Purgatory he needed a guide, and that was the reason why Dean had killed Benny.

He still couldn't believe he'd done something like that. Or, to be more precise, he couldn't believe that he'd found the balls to do it. He would have never wanted to harm Benny, not after everything the vampire had done for him back in Purgatory. Not considering the feelings he had for the other man.

He still would have never admitted out loud that there was something more than friendship between himself and Benny, but at least he'd stopped lying to himself some time ago. The vampire meant a lot to him; too much, probably. And he couldn't afford that kind of attachment, not with the importance of the mission at stake: closing the Gates of Hell. He needed to put all of his efforts in supporting his brother while Sam underwent the trials that Kevin was translating, he couldn't afford any kind of distraction. And, unfortunately, his relationship with Benny was a huge distraction. Every time he thought about the vampire, or mentioned his name out loud, he just went stupid, losing all ability to focus on what was right in front of him. It was too risky, considering what kind of job he had.

That was the reason why he had to stop talking to Benny. That was the reason why he'd told the vampire to stop calling him. He was _never_ going to forget the hurt he'd heard that day in Benny's voice, because the vampire was depending on him and he was letting him down. Benny was his friend, his brother, and so much more. During the time they'd spent together in Purgatory, they'd come to know each other and to trust each other. In the end, Benny had become the only person who had never let Dean down, the only one he knew he could always count on. Even when Dean failed him, even when Dean ignored his pain, Benny always came through for him. Even when helping Dean meant getting beheaded and going back to Purgatory.

The truth was that Benny was too good for Dean. He was a vampire, sure, but in the end Dean had caused more death and damage than most of the monsters he'd met on his hunts, so the point was: who was the _real_ monster? And just like a monster, Dean pushed aside the suffering of the only being who would have done _anything_ for him. When even Cas failed him, Benny saved his ass more times than he could count. He owed the vampire his own life. And now, because he was an asshole who always asked too much of people, he probably also owed him his brother's life. Because it didn't matter that Dean hadn't been there for him when Benny needed him the most, the vampire was never going to abandon him during a time of need. And Dean really needed Benny's help, because Sam was stuck in Purgatory and he couldn't bear to lose his brother. After all, the world had suffered a lot because of how much Sam and Dean Winchester were ready to sacrifice for one another.

Now, however, Benny was the one who was suffering. He needed Dean's help to cope, and Dean chopped off his head instead. Such a good friend, he was! But that was the last time he was ever asking something of Benny. That was the last time he was ever letting Benny down. He was going to be there for his friend, even if it meant sacrificing something else. For the good of his brother, for the sake of his end goal, he'd done something he shouldn't have. He'd damaged his relationship with Benny, and he really hoped it still wasn't beyond repair.

Tears threatened to escape his eyes while he was driving like crazy, Benny's beheaded body in the trunk of his Baby, hidden away from sight in case a cop decided to pull him over for speeding. Quickly, Dean wiped the tears away with the back of his right hand, then he put it right back on the wheel and stomped his foot harder on the gas pedal. He needed to fix it, he needed to fix everything. He just needed to hurry and get his ass to Maine, so that he could wait for Sam where he knew the portal out of Purgatory was located. They were going to free Bobby's soul, in order to complete the second trial, and then they were going to revive Benny, and everything was going to be alright. Dean was going to have his second chance, and he wasn't going to screw up this time. He was going to help Benny in any way the vampire needed him. And if that meant fighting with his brother in order to have Benny join them permanently? Then so be it!

He wasn't going to let Sammy decide what was best for him, not anymore. He was going to do what was right, and he was going to do right by Benny. Because the vampire deserved the world, and Dean was not worthy of his affection. But if Benny wanted to trust him, then Dean needed to better himself and be there when he was needed.

After all the months they'd spent together, Dean still couldn't believe the luck he had for meeting someone like Benny. He'd never had the balls to say it, but he had strong feelings for Benny. Feelings that went way beyond a brotherly bond. To be honest, at some point Dean had started to fall for the vampire. And even Dean himself had no idea of how or when that had happened. It was for sure during the time spent in Purgatory, when they'd spent months traveling together, watching each other's backs the entire time. And sure, during the last part of the journey Cas had been with them too, but the angel had been acting differently, and Dean hadn't felt like he could really trust his best friend. So he'd relied on Benny, just as much as Benny had relied on him. It had been the two of them against a world of monsters.

So yes, Dean had fallen for Benny in Purgatory, even though he hadn't realized it himself at first. He'd thought that their relationship was no different from the one he had with Cas, just more pure because it had never been tainted with betrayal. Of course he'd never realized what really was between himself and Cas either, so there was no way he could have noticed things with Benny. He'd only started to realize his own feelings after they got back topside. The first night he spent on his own, Dean had been barely able to sleep. He hadn't been used anymore to a world where he didn't have to watch his back the whole time, so he'd felt vulnerable without Benny keeping watch beside him.

When he'd started working cases with Sam, he had soon realized that his brother wasn't the person he really wanted by his side. Sure, he loved Sam more than anything else in the universe, but his brother had betrayed him. He'd been gone for a year, and not once Sam had tried to look for him. What conclusion could he have taken from that? Obviously his brother didn't care about him as much as he'd thought. That was the reason why he wasn't feeling at ease while traveling with Sam. He missed something to feel safe: the company of the only one who could make him feel complete. But Sam couldn't stand the thought of Dean hanging out with a vampire, and he still valued his little brother so much that he had agreed to stay away from Benny.

The more time passed, however, the more Dean had been feeling empty inside. He missed the company of the vampire, his smile, his accent. That was when he'd realized that he was in love. And maybe Benny was feeling the same way about him. Or maybe not, but in any case the vampire cared about him a lot, he'd proven it time and time again, both in Purgatory and back on Earth. All that Benny wanted was to have Dean by his side again. And Dean already screwed up once, he wasn't going to fail Benny again! They were going to be together now. They were going to be happy.

With that thought keeping him sane, Dean pushed his Baby to the limit. He needed to be in Maine when Sam brought Benny back to him.

In the end, Dean should have known that destiny had no happiness whatsoever in store for him. When Sammy told him that Benny had decided to stay behind in Purgatory, Dean's heart broke so much that his brother could see the pain displayed all over his face.


End file.
